Orc Busters!
by Faramir Fancier
Summary: Aragorn and Legolas start a new company, drag Faramir and Boromir into it, then run around Middle-earth killing Orcs and other servants of Sauron. However, they seem to forget that Sauron's already dead...
1. The Beginning of the End!

A/N: It's another one from me, Boromir's Curse (Which I don't have a cool nickname for yet…) AKA Cassandra of Troy. Anyway, I was walking up a flight of stairs with these boys Mike, Dom, and Nick, and Dom said, "Hey! Let's call someone on the phone!" and I said, "Who are you going to call?" and Nick said, "GHOSTBUSTERS!" And that is where this idea came from. Walking up a flight of stairs.

**Summary**: Faramir, Boromir, Aragorn, and Legolas start their own company: Orcbusters. Obviously not cannon or book based (when does this group ever meet up in the books?), just a really weird idea I thought up. They run around to all these places in Middle-earth killing Orcs and other bad guys and basically provide us with an entertaining story to read.

**Disclaimer**: Guess what? I don't own LotR! I never have and never will! All I own are the pictures of Merry, Pippin, and Faramir I have on my wall. For the record, I don't own Ghostbusters either, even though it's not really in the story. So, read away, and no I do not own.

I warn you, this chapter is kinda long-ish and boring-ish, but important to the story. Yeah._**

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**__**Chapter One: It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Insanity…**_

Aragorn, who is lounging around on his stately King of Gondor throne and throwing darts at a picture of Denethor, was bored. It was a boring Saturday, and whenever Aragorn got bored, it usually resulted in breaking vases, screaming, whining, and general childish behavior. Needless to say, Arwen sees a temper tantrum coming on. She runs over to Aragorn, carrying a straightjacket.

"I'm _bored_!" Aragorn whines, sounding not unlike a little child. He looked around for a vase to throw at the wall, but decided against it.

"ARAGORN ELESSAR! Get a hold of yourself!" Arwen screams, throwing the straightjacket at Aragorn. He caught it with a gasp, then set it down on the floor gently.

"What?" Aragorn whines, staring at Arwen.

"You need a hobby. And don't even _think_ about telling me that your stamp collection is your hobby. You haven't worked on it since we met all those years ago in Rivendell!" Arwen says.

"Bu—"

"And then you have your little Beanie Baby collection! They stopped making those years ago!"

"Yes, bu—"

"And then there's that catapult you've been going on about building! What is the matter with you!" Arwen screams, storming out of the room to the phone.

"Huh?"

Arwen ismuttering obscenities under her breath. She picks up their shiny, cordless Sony phone, hits'memory 2' and waits tapping her foot on the floor impatiently.

"Hel-lo?" Legolas asks, on the other end of the phone…or whatever.

"Lego? It's Arwen. Hey, can you stop over so Aragorn doesn't go ballistic and break the TV?" Arwen asks.

"Again? He broke your TV again?" Legolas asks, popping a gum bubble.

"Not yet. But I'm kinda worried…"

"No problemo. I'll be over in about an hour." Legolas says, hanging up.

Arwen runs back over to Aragorn, who is twisting the neck of a Sauron Plush Toy.

"Die…you…freak…" He mutters, a crazed look in his eye.

"ARAGORN!" Arwen screams.

Aragorn shrieks like a little girl and threw the plush toy in the air. It lands with a soft splash in Aragorn's Piranha fish tank, and the fish quickly rip the toy to shreds. Aragorn laughs like a maniac for a moment, but stops when he catches Arwen's death glare.

"Yes?" Aragorn asks, chortling and kicking at the ground.

"Legolas is coming over." Arwen says.

"LEGOLAS? Wheeee! We can throw eggs at him again!" Aragorn says, skipping around.

"ARAGORN! I think it was a bad idea that you became King. Look at you! You're acting like a deranged _LUNATIC_!" Arwen yells.

"Sorry…"

"It's ok. Look. Just, I don't know…fix your hair or something so you at least look a bit kingly." Arwen says, walking out of the room.

Aragorn straightens up the throne room, making sure everything was in near perfect order. He then switches the picture on his dartboard to one of Elrond, and throws a couple darts at it when Arwen isn't looking.

_An Hour Later…_

The Doorbell rings merrily, as Arwen, glad that _some_one had come to relieve Aragorn of his boredom, run to open it. There stands Legolas, armed with a backpack filled with board games, 12 packs of cards, and a whole lot of DVDs.

"Thank heaven! He just started to break the antique china from Rivendell." Arwen says, ushering Legolas in.

"Oh. I came just in time then."

"Yep."

Legolas smiles and says, "You have a DVD player, right?"

"Yeah," Arwen says, "in the throne room."

"Good." Legolas walks into the throne room, where Aragorn is launching firecrackers out of windows. Shrieks of terrified civilians are heard, including a voice that sounds remarkably like Faramir's screaming obscenities directed at Aragorn.

"ARAGORN!" Legolas screams, throwing an action figure at Aragorn's head.

"WHAAAAAAAT?" Aragorn growls, turning around.

"I'm here to help."

"Legsie! How spiffing to see you!" Aragorn says, laughing.

"Uh… Why don't we watch a movie?"

"Cool! Watcha got?"

"Uh…how about…I dunno, Ghostbusters or something?"

Aragorn puts Ghostbusters in the DVD player, and they watch happily as Arwen sneaks out to buy some new shoes.

"Need…shoes…" Arwen mutters as she runs out of the door.

Aragorn and Legolas start laughing at really odd points in the movie when the directors didn't want anyone to laugh. Suddenly, Aragorn gets an idea!

"Hey, what if we made a group of people and were like Ghostbusters, only we were Orc Busters!" He says excitedly.

"Wow! That's, like, the best idea since sliced ham in those little lunch packages!" Legolas shrieks.

"So, who all are we going to ask to be in the group?" Aragorn asks.

"We need some particularly adept warriors." Legolas says.

"What, like, Gimli?"

Legolas stares at Aragorn with a look of terror on his face.

"GIMLI? No way! He'll ruin the cool uniforms!" Legolas screams.

"Oh, is that what you're drawing on that napkin?"

"Yep! Now, how about…I dunno, Elrond?" Legolas offers.

"Elrond? He's, what, like 6,000 years old? He can't even pick up a Ring and march it off to a mountain, I don't think we want him defending us if we're ever surrounded by Orcs." Aragorn says.

"Ok, so he can be our agent and wear suits and handle our calls. How about Denethor?" Legolas asks.

"Dead and a pyro. Also old, so I don't think he's about to pick up a sword."

"But he carried around that weird broken horn, and that thing looked heavy!" Legolas says.

"Legolas, it was broken." Aragorn says. "And we cross out Denethor unless we need a pyromaniac to cause a distraction."

"How about Gandalf?" Legolas says.

"Hmmm…we can make him our magic specialist." Aragorn says.

He can shooom in and go "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" and then shooom back out when he killed everything!" Legolas says.

"Shooom?"

"It's an, ah, Elvish term." Legolas says uncomfortably.

"Riiiiight."

"Ok, what about Faramir?" Legolas offers.

"FARAMIR? What, so we can have someone run in front of the Orcs, take the arrows meant for us, and get carted off?" Aragorn asks.

"That's not actually a bad idea. We can get Boromir, too!" Legolas says.

"But Boromir is _dead_, Lego." Aragorn says. _Apparently, _Aragorn thinks, _Legolas is interested in hiring dead guys. _

"Then why was he walking around the city 2 days ago?" Legolas counters.

"Uh…no idea. Maybe you're seeing things." Aragorn says.

"I am NOT CRAZY!" Legolas screams.

"Ok, ok, you're not crazy. You're just a little unwell…" Aragorn says.

"Whatever, Aragorn, you're such a loser." Legolas scoffs.

"Ok, so we'll ask Faramir and Boromir to be in the group, and we'll ask Gandalf, Denethor, and Elrond to be backup or something like that." Aragorn confirms.

"Right. We can ask tomorrow. Can I crash here, my car broke down?" Legolas asks.

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A/N: Well, how did you like it? It was weird, yes? Well, it was, and hopefully we'll be able to get farther in the plot in the next chapter. Review if you liked it, and if you didn't, all flames will be given to Denethor and Sauron because they're…so…cool? 


	2. When In Gondor

A/N: I'm back. I hope you liked the chapter, and here is chapter 2 for you all. I had a lot of fun writing this, so enjoy!

Oh, and with every chapter, starting with 3, I am going to _try_ to answer my reviews! Oooh!

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_**Chapter Two: When In Gondor, Do as the Gondorians Do.**_

"Ok, little bro, roll doubles and you get out of jail." Boromir says, looking at the Monopoly rules.

"Why am _I_ always in jail?" Faramir moans, rolling the dice. "Whoo! DOUBLES, baby, DOUBLES!"

"Oi vay." Boromir mutters. "Look, just move the 10 spaces and GO!"

"All right, all right." Faramir says. "Hey, I landed on Mount Doom! Can I purchase that?"

"Sure, it's…400 power." Boromir says.

"Can't you just say money?"

"Ok, 400 bucks."

Faramir hands Boromir a 500 and gets 100 back. "Whooo! WHO OWNS MOUNT DOOM? WHO OWNS IT?" He screams.

"Sweet lord," Boromir mutters. He rolls the dice and lands on Bag End.

"That's 200 for passing go…and I'll buy it!"

"Bag End? You're buying Bag End?" Faramir asks in disbelief.

"Well, yeah."

"Boromir, no one EVER lands on Bag End! It's a waste of money." Faramir advises.

"Says you. Watch. You'll roll a 2 and wind up paying me…" Boromir says. He looks at the card. "2 dollars."

"2 Dollars? Ohhohohoho, that's rich!" Faramir chortles. He rolls the dice. "WHAT? A 2?"

"Told you so." Boromir gloats.

Faramir mutters something and gives Boromir 2 units of power…I mean money. He rolls again and gets a 3.

"Chance," he sighs. "WHAT? GO TO JAIL? FREAKIN' WEIRD GAME!"

"Now I'll roll." Boromir says. "Wheee! 2! I'll buy it!" He says, landing on Farmer Maggots.

"Some people get all the luck." Faramir gripes. He rolls. "Drat! No doubles."

"Aww, don't worry." Boromir says. "Three! Whoo! Buckleberry Ferry for me!"

"Yeah, yeah, shut up." Faramir moans.

About 15 more minutes go by, with Faramir and Boromir playing Monopoly. Soon, Faramir owns the Gap of Rohan, Helm's Deep, Edoras, Fangorn Forest, the Westfold, Isengard, Osgiliath, the Pelennor Fields, Minas Tirith, Barad-Dur, and Mount Doom. He has 1 house on each.

"Damn high house rates!" He curses, sipping his 12-year-old Bourbon from Rivendell.

"Hey, how can you be drinking that stuff? Aren't you all Anti-Alcohol and that?" Boromir asks.

"Uh, no. Plus, I need some drinks to numb the pain in my…spine." Faramir coughs.

"Sure." Boromir says. He owns Bag End, Farmer Maggot's, Buckleberry Ferry, Bree, Weathertop, the Fords of Bruinen, Rivendell, Caradhras, the Mines of Moria, Lothlorien, and the Falls of Rauros. Both players own 2 horses and one of each amenity. Boromir has a motel on each property.

"Damn you, Boromir. You freakin' own everything good." Faramir yells.

"Calm down!" Boromir says.

"NO! FREAK!" Faramir yells. He gets up, grabs his glass of Bourbon, then kicks the table, aiming to knock it over. It just shakes.

"DAMN IT!" Faramir screams, kicking the table harder. It falls over, ruining the Monopoly game.

"FARAMIR!" Boromir screams. "NOOOOO! MY EMPIRE!" he wails.

"GET OVER IT! AND GET OVER YOURSELF!" Faramir yells. He drains his Bourbon and laughs evilly.

"Uh, is this a bad time?" Aragorn asks, Legolas peeking out from behind him.

Faramir keeps laughing until Boromir whacks him in the head. He stops and stares dazedly out the window, making weird noises.

"No, not at all, my bro was just going spastic." Boromir says. He takes away the nearly empty bottle of Bourbon and throws it in the nearby fireplace, which has a roaring fire despite the fact that it's 65 degrees out. It blows up and everyone laughs heartily, except Faramir, who screams and starts to twitch.

"Uh…what's up with Faramir over there?" Legolas asks.

"I don't know. Let's just…I dunno, give him some more Bourbon, he may wake up." Boromir says. Sure enough, once they convince Faramir that it's really Bourbon and not poison sent by Denethor to kill him, he drinks some and goes back to normal.

"Hey, I want to try some!" Legolas whines.

"Sure, and you may just become un-pansy when you drink it." Aragorn mutters. Boromir snorts in laughter and nearly chokes.

"What is so funny?" Legolas pouts, hands on his hips.

"Nothing, Madame Greenleaf." Boromir says.

"WHAT did you just call me?" Legolas asks.

"Er…"

"THAT'S IT!" Legolas screams. He jumps on Boromir and starts beating him up.

"GENTLEMEN!" Aragorn says. "Er…" he looks at Legolas. "Gentleman and…other…"

"Shut up, Aragorn, you're next!" Legolas mutters, twisting Boromir's arm behind his back. "SAY IT! SAY UNCLE!"

"NEVER!" Boromir yells.

"What's going on?" Faramir asks. "I had an awful dream that I was nearly set on fire."

"Uh, that was real, if Pippin was telling the truth." Aragorn says.

"Say, why is Boromir getting bested by a pansy Elf prince?" Faramir asks.

"I don't know. I always thought Boromir could hold his own in fights like these." Aragorn says.

"Hmm… Pray tell, is Eowyn around? I think I was supposed to do the laundry…" Faramir says. Sure enough, a dirty basket of clothes is sitting on the stairs to the basement.

"Why are you talking like you've stepped out of a Shakespearian play?" Aragorn asks.

"You know the word 'Shakespearian'?" Faramir asks.

"Ok, this 'Picking on Aragorn because he lived in the wild' thing is getting old." Aragorn says.

"Sorry."

"No problem."

Aragorn and Faramir watch the fight a while longer.

"Say it! SAY IT, DAMNIT!" Legolas says.

"Fine, fine, FINE! Uncle." Boromir says.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Legolas screams, sounding not unlike an Army drill sergeant.

"Uncle!"

"LOUDER, MAGGOT!" Legolas yells.

"UNCLE!" Boromir screams.

"Hahahahaha!" Aragorn and Faramir laugh.

"Good. Now gimme some of that Bourbon!" Legolas says. He takes a drink. "Hey!"

"What?"

"That's not Bourbon! That's APPLE JUICE!"

"Wait...if it's apple juice, how did it explode?" Boromir asks.

Everyone ponders this for a good hour, then goes back to the plot and their previous discussion.

"So you mean to tell me that Faramir has been getting drunk off…_Apple Juice_?" Boromir asks.

"Apparently." Legolas affirms.

"Oh hohohohoh!" That's rich!" Boromir says.

"I was not getting drunk!" Faramir says. "I was acting that way to test you!"

"Of course you were…"

"I WAS!" Faramir says, throwing a pillow at everyone.

"Anyway, Boro and Fari…we'd like to know if you'd like to be in our…service." Aragorn says.

"Like the secret service?" Boromir asks.

"No. See, we're going to be…wait for it…it's soooo good…" Aragorn says.

"OUT WITH IT, MAN!" Faramir screams.

"Sorry. We're going to be ORC BUSTERS!"

"Orc Busters? Kinda like…Ghostbusters?" Faramir asks.

"Yep."

"Hey, why is 'Ghostbusters' one word and 'Orc Busters' two?" Boromir asks.

"BECAUSE I SAY SO!" Aragorn screams.

"All right, all right. We'll join. Who else is in it?" Faramir asks.

"Uh, just us four. And Elrond and Gandalf are backup or something." Legolas says.

"Cool. So do we get spiffy uniforms?" Boromir asks.

"Yeah. Legolas is working on samples now."

"Cool!"

"So when do we start?" Faramir asks.

"Uh…whenever the uniforms get done." Aragorn offers.

"That's great! I can't wait! We get to run around and kick Orc BUTT!"

"Sure, whatever, Boromir." Legolas says.

And so, Orc Busters was formed. Their next task was formidable, even scary: getting Elrond to be their 'agent'.

"You do realize when we say 'agent' we mean 'secretary'." Aragorn says.

"Yeah. He just sits there and takes our phone calls and writes things down." Legolas agrees.

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A/N: Well, how did you like THAT one? I'm glad everyone liked it, this is one of those stories that are either going to hit it off great or bomb. I'm glad this one went good.

So next time, look down here for an answer to your review!


	3. Elrond the Agent

A/N: Well, it's CHAPTER THREE! Wow! Well, it seems this story is gathering me major ratings (reviews), and I'm GLAD! This story is fun to write, I don't even know why. Anyway, enjoy!Ok, I lied, reviews are at the top (here)! Wow, I got so many.

_**REVIEWERS! **(See, told ya so.)_

**Legolasina: **Hmmm…we'll have to ask Faramir on that. And I've never seen Ghostbusters, either.

**Eggo Waffles: **I don't know if it was really apple juice. Maybe someone spiked the apple juice! Hey, there's an idea…and I'm glad you like Legolas beating up on Boromir. Or, rather, were amused by it.

**Lil Pippin Padfoot:** Yeah, I can always see Boromir getting drunk, but it was funny to have Faramir getting drunk off apple juice. Wonder if that's possible.

**Trisher Nicole: **Hmmm…I don't know. Maybe people in Rohan brew it especially for Middle Earth. And I don't know about the apple juice turning into bourbon or vice-versa.

**CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur: **That's where I got the idea, too. I was thinking of the Matrix, and well, Elrond's the agent.

**The Hobbit Lass:** Glad you like the Madame Greenleaf part. I know I liked writing it. Glad you loved  
the story, as well.

**Alekey the Hobbitelf:** Hello, you! Glad you liked the apple juice scandal (the big enjoyment of the whole  
thing, it seems. Yep, you can make the theme song for us, if you'd like!

Sorry, my computer is being weird, and if you submitted a review for chap. 2 and it is not here, it will be answered in chap. 4 (freakin' wierd computer!)

**(CHAPTER ONE)**

**Clarienta: **Thanks for your compliments.

**Trisher Nicole: **Ok, Ok, I updated…thanks.

**ForeverFaramir: **Glad you liked the Aragorn lighting firecrackers. That's fun…I mean, I've never tried it, but I bet it's fun anyway. And the aiming them at people…terror!

**CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur: **Ok, see there's chapter 2…and this is 3, so there's much more!

**Eggo Waffles: **Thanks; glad you liked Faramir cursing at Aragorn. Poor guy.

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_**Chapter Three: Meet our Secretary, Elrond…my father-in-law.**_

_In Aragorn's Pimped-out Impala…_

"What I want to know, Aragorn, is how on Earth you pimp out an IMPALA!" Boromir yells.

"I'm not CRAZY, I'm just a LITTLE INSANE! RIGHT NOW I DON'T EVEN KNOW MY NAME!" Legolas sings.

"Uh, Legolas, you're singing it wrong." Faramir says. Aragorn sighs and stares out of the window at the car ahead of him.

"Oh, really? Well, then, Mr.…Human…how DO you sing it?" Legolas asks.

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell, I know, right now you can't tell." Faramir sings.

"Well, that was different. Faramir, in all my years of being your dear—and dearly departed—brother, I never knew you could sing like the guy from Matchbox Twenty." Boromir says.

"Boromir, in all my years of being you brother, I never knew you even knew who Matchbox Twenty WAS! I mean, you were always moping around listening to bands no one in Christendom's even HEARD OF!" Faramir says.

"How on earth did you know the word 'Christendom'?" Boromir, Aragorn, and Legolas ask.

"I read." Faramir says.

"Never was much good at that," Aragorn says.

"Oh, well, I'm a veritable cornucopia of talent!" Faramir says.

"Wait…where have I heard that before?" Legolas says. He rummages into his backpack (which he is still carrying around) and pulls out Van Helsing. "AHA! You're plagiarizing off Carl!" he screams.

"Huh?"

"But I'd swear, Faramir, that friar looks just like you! But with short hair…"

"What on earth is a friar, anyway?"

"Never mind."

They drive on in silence, cruising down the Gap of Rohan Boulevard. Suddenly, Legolas gets an idea.

"Hey, since we're on a Boulevard, can we sing _Boulevard of Broken Dreams_?" Legolas asks.

"Ok, everyone, just start singing." Aragorn says.

However, everyone starts to sing at different parts of the song and at varied speeds. Legolas is already singing the chorus, while Faramir is singing the beginning and Boromir is already at the end.

"STOP IT! STOP IT!" Aragorn screams.

"What?" Everyone singing asks.

"Well, maybe you should SYNCHRONIZE your singing!" Aragorn screams.

"You mean like synchronized swimming?" Legolas asks. Aragorn whacks him with the road map.

"Hey, if one of them drowns, do they all have to drown?" Boromir asks.

"Uh..."

"Wow. Ok, Faramir, we Gondorian men have naturally good voices—" Boromir starts, but is cut off.

"_Naturally_ good? Boromir, I went to SINGING CLASSES to get this voice! Yours is like…nails on a chalkboard." Faramir says.

"IT IS NOT!"

"Whatever. Can we sing a new song?" Faramir asks.

"Sure, just let's sing something we can rock to. You people singing Matchbox Twenty and Green Day are giving me serious hard rock deprived-ness." Aragorn says.

"Deprived-ness?" Faramir asks.

"Don't you mean deprivation?" Boromir asks.

"Yeah, that too." Aragorn says. "How's this for some rock?" He puts a Led Zeppelin CD into the slot and the Immigrant Song comes on. "Everyone sing!"

So they do.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Legolas screams.

"I come from the land of the ICE AND SNOW from the MIDNIGHT SUN where the HOTSPRINGS FLOW!" Boromir screams.

"The hammer of the Gods will drive our ships to new lands, Valhalla I am coming!" Faramir sings.

"ON WE SWEEP WITH THRESHING OAR, OUR ONLY GOAL WILL BE THE WESTERN SHORE!" All three guys sing, except Aragorn, who is trying to concentrate.

All of the passengers and driver head bang to the beat, looking crazy. Other drivers give them odd looks.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Legolas sings again, very loudly and badly.

"I come from the land of the ICE AND SNOW from the MIDNIGHT SUN where the HOTSPRINGS FLOW!" Boromir screams.

"How soft your fields so green can whisper tales of gore, of how we calmed the tides of war. WE ARE YOUR OVERLORDS!" Faramir says.

"ON WE SWEEP WITH THRESHING OAR, OUR ONLY GOAL WILL BE THE WESTERN SHORE!" All three guys sing, ending the song.

"That was…weird." Aragorn says. The CD keeps playing, everyone just singing at random moments or whenever they know part of the song.

Finally, they arrive at the Lord Elrond bypass, turn off onto Halfelven road, and pull up to Elrond's house on Elrond ROCKS lane.

_At Elrond's House…_

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Faramir asks. He, Legolas, and Boromir are hiding behind Aragorn. Last time the four of them met Elrond; they had to run for their lives.

"Yeah. I mean, he can't be that bad." Aragorn says nervously.

"You said that last time."

"Oh."

They walk up to the door. Aragorn rings the doorbell nervously and braces himself.

"Whaddaya want?" Elrond asks, opening the door. He has a can of Miller Light in his hand and looks like he can pull out a shotgun any second.

"Uh…. Uh…." Aragorn mutters.

"Well, if you have nothing to say, just go away." Elrond says.

"Hey, that rhymed!" Legolas says.

"Legolas? Hey, man, what are you doing here?" Elrond says cheerfully.

"Uh, would you like to join our service?" Legolas asks.

"Why can't he be so nice to us?" Boromir mutters. Aragorn and Faramir nod in consent.

"What kind of service?" Elrond asks.

"Like, an Orc Killing service." Legolas says.

"Cool! Can I kill stuff?" Elrond asks.

"Uh…actually, Elrond, we were thinking you could be our agent."

"What?"

"You know, walk around and take calls and arrange press conferences."

"Press conferences?"

"Yep! So, do you want in? We have a dental plan…"

"Sweet! I love work where you get money and benefits!" Elrond walks back inside.

"We'll call you with the particulars."

Elrond closes the door and Legolas walks back to the group, smiling.

"How did you bloody do that?" Boromir asks.

"It's all about the Elves."

"Oh, come off it. Now we have to get Gandalf and Denethor—"

"WHAT?" Faramir croaks.

"Well, he's our pyromaniac who will cause needed distractions." Aragorn says.

"WHAT?" Faramir says.

"Ok, little bro, don't faint on me here." Boromir says.

"No way! I want OUT!"

"We don't even have to walk around with him. We can just call him on the phone and he can shooom in and go "MUAHAHA! FIRE!" and then shooom back out!" Legolas says.

"And there you go with your shooom again." Aragorn says.

"It's ELVISH! BE QUIET!" Legolas screams.

Boromir and Faramir laugh.

"Wanna start something?" Legolas asks.

"Uh, like another fight?" Faramir says, trying not to look at Boromir.

"Har har har. You're so funny, Faramir." Boromir says sarcastically.

"I know!" Faramir says.

"It was sarcasm."

"Well, ha ha ha."

"Whatever."

"Can we go home?" Legolas whines.

"Yeah, I want you to get to work on the costumes."

"THEY'RE NOT COSTUMES! THEY'RE UNIFORMS!" Legolas screams.

"What's with this Elrond in leather stuff? Do we all get leather?" Boromir asks.

"Maybe…"

"You don't have a clue, do you?" Aragorn asks Legolas.

"No, not really."

"LEGOLAS!" Aragorn, Boromir, and Faramir yell.

"Next stop, Gandalf." Aragorn says, as they pile into the Impala and drive off.

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A/N: So, did you like it? Yes? No? Drop me a line, or, if you didn't like it, drop me a flame, which will be given to my pet Balrog, Tiny. 


	4. We're Off to See Gandalf

A/N: Welcome to Chapter Four! I hope everyone liked the last chapter, and as promised, the reviews!

**Trisher Nicole**: Ooh. Sorry about your dad, if your diagnosis proves true. I'm friends with a pyro. He's weird. Glad you thought it was funny.

**Eggo Waffles**: Yeah, poor Faramir gets a break to muster up his courage. Yep, Boromir singing must be torture.

**CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur**: I know. I loved Carl. And yep, the Moulin Rouge thing was kinda scary…shudder shudder. Glad you thought it was "really great".

** Red-Devill5**: Glad you liked it!

**Legolasina: **Yeah, I have a pet Balrog. It's from this game, and the figure is HUGE! So I call it Tiny. I hardly listen to any music beside rock, but I had that stupid unwell ness song in my head so I ran out and bought the CD and now, it won't leave my head.

**ForeverFaramir: **He's so irritable. He never leaves his little box. And when he does, it's only to burn the tree outside. Yeah, they seem like the Led-Zeppelin type of guys. Except Legolas, who totally screams Hillary Duff to me.

**Lil Pippin Padfoot: **Weird Legolas, messing up a damn good song. I suppose. Weirdo.

**AJ James: **Thank you, thank you. And Tiny likes you…I suppose.

**Rachel 791: **Yes, it's vicious. Haven't seen you in forever, poor Aragorn.

**Alekey the Hobbitelf: **Thanks for the theme song. 

**(CHAPTER TWO)**

**BregoBeauty: **Yep, Faramir's just not stable around those kinds of juices. Poor Faramir. Your friends are crazy. In a good way. I always try to own the Gondor stuff and then own all the expensive stuff. LotR Monopoly is COOL.

**INMH: **Legolas is a pansy. But you can worship the ground a pansy walks on. Even though it's kinda weird…

**Anyone I missed in the last chapter: **Thank you for your review!

**(CHAPTER ONE)**

**BregoBeauty:** Aragorn _is_ a Childish Lunatic! Ahhh! Freaky!

**Rachel 791: **Glad you liked it.

**_

* * *

_****_Chapter Four: The Wonderful Wizard Gandalf!  
_**  
_In Aragorn's Impala (Again)_

"Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the YELLOW BRICK ROAD!" Boromir sings, bouncing around in his seat.

"Boromir, why are you singing something from THE WIZARD OF OZ?" Legolas screams.

"Because we're off to see the wizard!" Boromir says.

"Oh, sweet lord." Faramir mutters.

They drive on for a while more, Boromir staring out the window and muttering songs from "The Wizard of Oz".

"BOROMIR! SHUT UP!" Aragorn says, pulling off the road. "EVERYONE OUT! NOW!"

Everyone gets out, looking rather scared.

"Now, this is what I want to happen. Faramir, you are driving. Legolas, you are passenger seat. Boromir you are back seat behind the driver. And I am back seat behind the passenger. No more SINGING, no more LAUGHING, no more TALKING unless I SAY SO. And we are listening to the CLASSICAL MUSIC STATION so NO ONE can sing along." Aragorn yells.

"Why is FARAMIR driving?" Boromir whines.

"Because I SAY SO!" Aragorn screams.

"Well, rarr!" Boromir says.

"Oh, come off it." Faramir says. He looks rather happy to be driving. I imagine no one ever let him drive the Family car.

Everyone climbs into the car again and start off down the road. Aragorn is holding a rolled up map and glaring at Legolas, who is fidgeting around in his seat.

"Aragorn?" Legolas whimpers.

"What?" Aragorn growls.

"I…I have to use the bathroom."

"ARGH!" Boromir, Faramir, and Aragorn growl.

"Does it look like there's a bathroom on this road?" Boromir says menacingly.

"N-n-no," Legolas mutters.

"So what do you want us to do? Watch you pee in a can?" Aragorn says. Faramir and Boromir look at him. "Hey! I had to do it in the wild!"

"Too Much INFORMATION, Aragorn! Well, what if we pull off and Legolas can go behind those bushes?" Faramir suggests.

"Ewww!" Legolas says. "What if someone sees?"

"Well, if that person is a teenaged girl, I doubt they'll mind. However, if it's someone like, I dunno, Elrond, I think he'd mind." Boromir says.

"Yeah. Ok, I'll go behind the bushes, but if you look, so help me, I'll skin you alive and chop off your child-bearing organs!" Legolas says, as Faramir pulls off the road.

Legolas runs out of the car and behind a grove of trees, where a group of Teenaged Legolas Fan Girls have been hiding, having overheard the whole conversation in the car.

"AHHHHHH!" Legolas screams, running out of the bushes and towards the car.

"Quick! Get in! We'll ditch him!" Boromir says.

"Noooo! Then we won't have cool costumes!" Aragorn says.

"DAMN THE COSTUMES!" Boromir screams. "LEGOLAS! YOUR FLY IS OPEN!"

"Did he say fly?"

"Who is he anyway? He's ugly!"

"So what? Legolas's FLY IS OPEN!" The mob of fan girls tackle Legolas. Aragorn runs in with a torch and they all disappear. Legolas is left on the ground in the fetal position, whimpering.

"Damn it, we could have ditched him." Boromir says.

"Oh, well, you can't always get what you want." Faramir says.

Aragorn drags Legolas over to the car, stuffs him in the passenger seat, gets in, and yells at Faramir to get going.

They drive on in silence, broken by Boromir's growling stomach.

"ARGH! PULL UP TO THE NEXT MCDONALDS!" Aragorn yells.

"But we're in the middle of nowhere!" Faramir says.

"STEP ON IT!"

They cruise down the street, and soon they see a McDonalds. Legolas screams, jumps out of the car just as they pull into the lot and runs into the restroom. Everyone else runs into McDonalds and gets 2 Big Macs with extra large fries and an extra large soda. Legolas skips back towards the car, smiling.

"Are you all better, now, Madame Prince?" Boromir asks.

"Don't aggravate him, he'll just beat the shit out of you again," Faramir says.

"Grr…" Legolas says, giving Boromir the Look of Death.

"Ok, everyone in the car," Aragorn sighs.

They drive off, as Aragorn pulls out a laptop and puts in a DVD.

"Watcha watching?" Boromir asks.

"Don't Say A Word." Aragorn mutters.

"Ok, I'll shut up, once you tell me the name of the movie!" Boromir says.

"Don't Say A Word." Aragorn repeats.

"Ok, ok, what's the movie?"

"DAMN IT, BOROMIR, THE MOVIE'S CALLED DON'T SAY A WORD!" Aragorn screams.

"Ok, ok, don't have a cow," Boromir says.

"Hey, Boromir, that chap looks just like you!" Aragorn says.

"What, the one that kidnapped that girl?"

"Yeah, he kinda did!"

"Sounded like you, too." Legolas says.

"Oh, sure," Boromir scoffs.

They drive on in silence and pull up at the Senior Wizard's Retirement Home (SWRH). They walk in, meeting Grima behind the desk.

"Uh, yeah Janie, hold on, I have a client," He says into the phone, then turns to Aragorn and friends. "Hello?"

"Yeah, can we see Gandalf?"

"Uh, Gandalf…he's in the poker room." Grima says. "That way."

"Thanks!"

Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir, and Legolas run down the hall to the poker room.

_In the Poker Room…_

"Deal me in," Gandalf says.

"You got it!" Says Radagast, acting as dealer.

"You're going down, old Greybeard." The Mouth of Sauron says.

"Shut up."

Radagast deals the cards and everyone playing (The Mouth of Sauron, Gandalf, and Saruman) look over their cards.

"Damn, I fold," Saruman mutters.

"Hmm…I'll anti." The Mouth of Sauron says.

"I'll anti, too." Gandalf says.

"2 cards," TMS (Mouth of Sauron) says.

"3." Gandalf says.

Radagast deals the cards as Saruman pouts.

"Show your cards," Radagast says.

"Straight in diamonds!" TMS says.

"A ROYAL FLUSH!" Gandalf screams.

"He counted cards!" Saruman moans.

"Ahahahah! I WIN! I WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!" Gandalf screams, dancing the Gandalf Victory Dance around the room and running into Legolas, who falls over.

"Sorry, Legolas." Gandalf mutters as TMS, Saruman, and Radagast chuckle.

"Freakin' clumsy old fart…." Legolas mutters. Aragorn elbows him in the ribs. "Oww!"

"Hey, Gandy, are you interested in working again?" Aragorn asks.

"I just retired!"

"So? You miss Magic and all that crap, don't you?" Aragorn asks.

"Yeah, a bit."

"And you miss saving helpless unconscious steward's sons, don't you?" Faramir asks.

"Well, a bit…"

"And you miss battling balrogs in underground lakes and castles, don't you?" Boromir asks.

"Yeah, but…"

"Well? You want to join Orc Busters?" Aragorn asks.

"Uh…sure." Gandalf says.

"Cool. You get to be in charge of magic stuff, like killing our enemies with your blinding Gandalf Flash Light!" Legolas says.

"Huh?"

"You know, when you saved my and the boys on the retreat from Osgiliath." Faramir says.

"You had to RETREAT from OSGILIATH?" Boromir asks.

"Yeah," Faramir mutters.

"HAHAHAHAHA! That's funny." Boromir says.

"Whatever, you freaking loser." Faramir mutters.

"Ignore them. Anyway, you kind of sit around sharpening up you magical skill things and then when we need you, you can apparate in and then disapparate out!" Legolas says.

"Apparate? Doesn't Harry Potter have claims to that?" Aragorn asks.

"Damn that spoiled snotty British Wiz Kid!" Gandalf says.

"Uh…"

"So, it's a yes?"

"Yes."

"Great! We'll call you with the details." Aragorn says. Legolas gets Boromir and Faramir to stop punching each other and they pull into Aragorn's car and drive off to recruit…Denethor.

* * *

A/N: This chapter was HARD to write, damn it! I couldn't think of anything! Gah. But to clarify, I don't hate Harry Potter; he's rather cool. So, yeah, drop a review, all flames go to my pet Balrog.

Oh, yes...Don't Say a Word is a movie about something, but Sean Bean is in it. It was on NBC earlier, and today is Sean Bean's Birthday! So it's like getting a present from him on his birthday (makes no sense!)! Anyway, Happy Birthday Sean Bean!


	5. Getting in Touch with Your Feminine Side

A/N: Hello and welcome to chapter 5, eh? Anyway, this one is all about random things. Enjoy!

And yes, I am alive. No, I have not moved to Mordor.

* * *

**_Chapter Five: Getting In Touch With Your Feminine Side _**

"Oh, we're on the road again, I can't believe we're on the ROAD AGAIN!" Boromir screams, glaring out the window. "Hey, can I drive now?"

"NO!" Aragorn, Faramir, and Legolas say.

"Remember last time, Boro? You nearly CRASHED INTO A TREE!" Faramir screams.

"That's irrelevant..." Boromir mutters.

"Liar."

"OK! OK! I was drinking tequila!" Boromir yells.

"And you still got in the car?" Legolas asks, shocked.

"Well, ok, Faramir was wasted on Corona and dad was barely awake, so I was deemed 'Most Sober' by our father and I drove."

"Yeah, but your father was barely awake!" Legolas says. "What ever happened to the designated driver thing?"

"We ditched him at the gas station." Boromir says casually.

"Freaking…weird…" Aragorn mutters, rolling up the roadmap.

"Whatever, Kingy-boy…" Boromir mutters.

"HEY!" Aragorn yells, hitting Boromir with the roadmap.

"VIOLENCE! I'M BEING ABUSED!" Boromir screams.

"Oh, shut up," Faramir mutters. He goes back to staring at the road.

The men (and Elf) ride on in silence until…

"PULL OVER!" Legolas screams, sounding not unlike a woman.

"Why?"

"Because I just noticed my MASCARA is RUNNING!" Legolas says.

"Uh…"

"Maybe we should indulge the lady." Boromir offers. Legolas gives him the Death Glare.

"All right," Faramir sighs. He pulls off the road and Legolas fixes his makeup.

_A few moments later…_

"So, how far until we get to dad's retirement place?"

"About 20 minutes." Legolas responds.

"I am not going in there." Faramir says.

"Why not?"

"Have you all forgotten?" Faramir asks in wonder.

"Yeah…"

"The man we're going to see tried to turn me into a HUMAN MARSHMALLOW!" Faramir yells.

"Oh yeah…"

"So I'm not going."

"Oh, come on, Faramir, it's not that bad!" Aragorn says.

"NOT THAT BAD?" Faramir shrieks.

"Uh…we can give you a disguise!"

"Now that's a good idea."

_In some Gas Station on the Road…_

"Ok, Faramir, are you done in there?" Boromir asks.

"NO! Leave me alone!" Faramir yells from inside the bathroom door.

"Come on, the disguise can't be that bad," Aragorn says.

"Ohoho! But it can!" Faramir yells.

"What was the disguise, anyway?" Boromir asks Legolas.

"I dunno, it was just in the box we had in the trunk labeled 'disguise'."

"Sounds mysterious!" Aragorn says mysteriously.

"Come on, Faramir, we won't laugh." Boromir says.

"NO!"

Some tourists pass Boromir talking (seemingly) to a bathroom door and give him a strange look.

"Uh haha, visit lovely…Edoras!" Boromir says, waving.

"We're no where near Edoras." Legolas mutters.

"I'm not coming out of this bathroom." Faramir says.

"Oh yes you will…" Boromir mutters.

"No I will not and you can't make me." Faramir pouts from inside the bathroom (Still).

"All right, then. We'll just leave you there." Boromir says.

"We can't do that!" Legolas screams.

"And why not?"

"Because he's a strategic plot device!"

"Shoot."

"Hahaha, I'll just stay where I—SPIDER! AHHHH!" Faramir screams.

Sounds like a shoe killing a spider are heard, along with Faramir laughing evilly. _Pomp and Circumstance_ plays after Faramir has killed the spider. Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas look at the sky, confused. They shake their heads and the music stops.

"Is he always like that around spiders?" Aragorn asks.

"Yeah, pretty much." Boromir says.

"Come on, Faramir just come out." Aragorn pleads.

"You promise not to laugh?" Faramir asks.

"On our honor." Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir say.

"All right."

The sound of a lock being opened can be heard and Faramir steps out.

"Holy…" Aragorn says, trying not to laugh.

"Uh…" Boromir says, also trying not to laugh.

"That's the perfect color for your eyes!" Legolas screams.

"SHUT UP!" Faramir yells.

"Nice disguise." Boromir laughs.

"I'll sock you. Seriously. Don't make me…" Faramir says.

"Hey, shouldn't the readers be entitled to discover what kind of disguise Faramir's in?" Aragorn asks.

How'd he know that? Anyway…

Poor Faramir's disguise is…a nice blue dress. Complete with corset, ruffles at the sleeves, and hoop skirts.

"You seriously want me to go up to dad dressed like this?" Faramir asks.

"Uh…yeah." Boromir says.

"You're so kind." Faramir snaps.

"Are you wearing high heels?" Aragorn questions.

"Uh…"

"Yes he is! Those are PRADA!" Legolas screams.

"Wow, Faramir. You sure are in touch with your feminine side." Boromir laughs. He falls down from laughter and starts rolling around on the ground, as does Aragorn.

"It's ok, Faramir, a lot of guys out there wear high heels." Legolas says.

"Name 10."

"Uh…"

"See? I'll be a laughing stock!"

"Now, now, Faramir, we still have to apply the makeup…"

"MAKEUP?" Faramir yells.

"Makeup?" Boromir and Aragorn say. They start laughing all over again.

"Faramir, if you're going to do something, you might as well do it right." Legolas says.

"Yeah! Now you'll really look like a girl." Boromir laughs.

"What about my fine 5:00 shadow?" Faramir asks.

"Ladies don't have 5:00 shadows." Legolas says seriously.

"So you know what that means…" Aragorn says severely.

"NO! You can't!" Faramir wails.

"Unfortunately, we have to." Boromir chuckles.

"NOOOOOO!"

_Back in the bathroom…_

"Strap him to the toilet." Legolas orders.

"NOOOO!" Faramir screams.

"Oh, come off it." Boromir says.

Boromir and Aragorn tie Faramir to the toilet (yes the cover is down, in case you were wondering) with their belts (I didn't know they were even wearing belts). Faramir is screaming about injustice and other things.

"All right. Someone's going to have to hold him down." Legolas suggests.

Aragorn and Boromir look at each other.

"Fine, but only because I'm his brother." Boromir gripes.

"Now…razor." Legolas says. Aragorn hands him a razor.

"NO! Not the sexy hot 5:00 shadow!" Faramir screams.

But in 2 minutes, it's gone.

"Blush."

"NOOO!"

But in 2 minutes Faramir has blush on him. ("It brings out your wonderful cheekbones!" Legolas says).

"Eye shadow!" Legolas calls.

"NO!"

Again, in 2 minutes Faramir has eye shadow.

"Mascara!" Legolas says.

"AHHHH!"

"And lastly… lipstick!"

"Muahahahahahaha!" Boromir, Legolas, and Aragorn laugh.

After about 10 minutes, Faramir is looking rather like a girl. Poor guy.

"Wow, Faramir. You really look lovely." Boromir snorts.

"Oh, shut up."

"Maybe we should go see Denethor now." Aragorn offers.

"Yeah, we should. Hurry, before Faramir's makeup starts running!" Legolas says.

* * *

A/N: My poor Faramir. In case you're wondering where I got the idea of dressing Fari up like a guy, check out Van Helsing: The London Assignment. It's funny. Has to do with David Wenham's character. 


	6. And You Thought Faramir Torture Was Over

A/N: Well, we're back. It seemed that almost everyone who reviewed missed the 5:00 shadow, but don't worry, it'll come back…muahaha. Ahem. Anyway, here is chapter 6, where we're actually going to meet up with Denethor._**

* * *

**__**Chapter Six: A Bit of a Problem.**_

"So, now that Faramir's a girl," Boromir laughs, "can we go meet our father? Again?"

"Yeah…Faramir, I was thinking. You don't look very girlie." Legolas muses.

"What else do you want me to DO? I'm already wearing makeup and a dress!" Faramir yelled.

"Oh, snap, I forgot eyeliner. Come here," Legolas says. Aragorn and Boromir, always ready for another chance to make Faramir look even girlie, hold him down as Legolas puts on the eyeliner.

"There. Perfect. Kinda." Legolas says.

"What's wrong now?" Faramir growls.

"Your voice. Women talk higher. Kinda," Legolas says.

"So you want me to talk in a falsetto voice?" Faramir asks, shocked.

"Uh…yeah."

"Good grief."

"And another thing…" Boromir says slowly, then whispers it into Faramir's ear.

"NO WAY IN HELL!" Faramir yells.

"What? What did he say?" Aragorn asks.

Faramir tells Aragorn, who falls over laughing.

"There is no way that you're doing that to me!" Faramir says.

"But, Faramir, all girls…y'know…" Aragorn says, trying very hard not to laugh.

"Oh, what is it now, Aragorn?" Legolas asks impatiently.

Aragorn tells Legolas.

"Oh, yes, I'm afraid that'll have to be done." Legolas says.

"NOOOOOO!" Faramir screams.

_10 minutes later…_

"Uh…Aragorn? I'm out of tissues."

"Damn it, Faramir!" Aragorn says, sliding another box under the bathroom stall. Let's pretend they're at McDonald's or something…

"WHAT? I'm sorry, but this is just ridiculous! It'll never work!" Faramir says.

"Are you almost done in there? There's a mob of teenage guys coming this way," Boromir cautions, "best stay in there until they leave."

"Oh, for crying out loud," Faramir says.

The mob of boys enters, look at Aragorn and Boromir suspiciously, then leave. Legolas runs in when they leave.

"I just bought out the last boxes of tissues at Minas-Mart!" Legolas screams. Let's pretend they got back to Minas Tirith, too.

"Oh, come on, he's already been through 5!" Aragorn says. "That's going to look really fake."

"It looks fake already!" Faramir screams.

"Oh, don't worry, everything will be fine. Plus, I bought you a nice fan in case your beard starts growing in while we're with your father." Legolas says.

"I am going to look so retarded." Faramir mutters.

"All right, you can come out now." Boromir laughs.

"You're all going to Mordor." Faramir says. He steps out of the stall.

Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas look at him for a second, then get struck with a severe laughing attack.

"You look…ridiculous!"

"You just notice this now?" Faramir yells. "Shouldn't the audience know what happened to me?"

"I wanna tell them!" Boromir screams.

"Go 'head."

"Well, we remembered something that all girls have so we kinda…"

"They're making me wear a bra that's stuffed with tissues." Faramir finishes.

"HEY! I wanted to say that." Boromir pouts.

"Oh, grow up."

"Well, can we go now?" Aragorn asks. "And Faramir, put on that bonnet."

"NO!"

"Yes! And we're leaving."

"Sure. Let's go get this over with."

_At the Retirement Complex…_

Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir and Legolas walk in and up to the reception desk.

"Can I help you?" asks the desk clerk.

"Yeah, can we see Denethor?" Aragorn asks.

"Uh, no, he's not in right now." The desk clerk says.

"Can my good friend George persuade you?" Boromir asks, pulling out a dollar bill. The desk clerk looks at him, shakes his head, and goes back to typing.

"How about my good friend Ben?" Legolas asks, whipping out a hundred.

"Sure. He's in the reading room." The desk clerk says, taking the money.

"All right, on we go." Aragorn says.

_Just a bit later…_

"Hey, dad!" Boromir yells, running up to Denethor.

"My favorite son!" Denethor says.

"Ugh. All this happiness is killing me." Faramir says.

"Hey! Fake voice, huh?"

"Oh, right!" Faramir says in a nice high voice.

"So, son, who all is with you?" Denethor asks, beaming.

"Uh, Aragorn, Legolas, and Far—I mean, this is…" Boromir says, looking at Faramir.

"Oh, haha, I'm…Eowyn?" Faramir offers in a girlie voice.

"Eowyn? Isn't that the name of the girl that my good for nothing son Faramir married?" Denethor asks.

"Ha, I'm the other Eowyn." Faramir says.

"And she's here because…" Denethor asks.

Legolas, Aragorn, Faramir, and Boromir exchange worried looks, then Legolas steps in.

"She's Boromir's fiancée." Legolas says.

"What?" Faramir and Boromir ask at the same time. Denethor gives them an odd look.

"Oh, it was just that…I wanted to say that first, Dad. Y'know, give you the word straight from me to you." Boromir says, putting his arm around Faramir. Faramir looks as if he's about to murder Legolas.

"But weren't you dead?" Denethor asks Boromir.

"Yeah, but I came back!" Boromir beams.

"So we came to ask you if you'd like to join our business!" Aragorn offers.

"Oh, sit down," Denethor says kindly.

Faramir gives Denethor a confused look, then whips out his fan and holds it by his face, fanning himself.

"Well, we'll call you when we need you and you can run in on fire!" Legolas says.

"Sounds like a plan!" Denethor smiles.

"So you'll do it?" Aragorn asks.

"Yeah!" Denethor shouts joyously.

"All right, dad." Boromir says.

"So when's the wedding?" Denethor asks.

"HUH?" Faramir and Boromir ask, looking at each other.

"When are you two getting married?" Denethor asks.

"Uh…"

"And when can I expect to be a grandfather?"

"AHHHH!" Faramir yells, tearing out of the room.

"Sorry, she's a bit…nervous around family." Boromir laughs.

_Back at the Car…_

Faramir is fuming, holding the dress in one hand, having successfully changed into his everyday attire.

"And there she is, the future Mrs. Boromir!" Aragorn laughs.

Faramir glares at him.

"Oh, don't worry, we'll just get you a good 100 yards away before we call in your dad." Legolas says.

"I say the meeting went pretty well," Boromir says.

"Well you weren't the on in a dress, were you?" Faramir says.

"So?"

"I see you've managed to take 3 hours worth of makeup off in only 10 minutes." Legolas says.

"What can I say? The authoress loves me!" Faramir beams. "And you'll see I managed to grow my 5:00 shadow back and it's only 3:15."

"Some people get all the love," Aragorn mutters.

"You do know that dad's going to be expecting a wedding now?" Boromir asks.

"You want the real Eowyn?" Faramir asks.

"How about Arwen?" Aragorn offers.

"I'm sure I can spare you one of my 2,000,000 fangirls…" Legolas says.

"Oh, I'll just lie and say we broke up." Boromir says.

"Oh. Because if you want a fangirl or two…"

"Never mind. What do we do now?"

"We get back to my place and wait for someone to call us."

"How are people going to know to call us?" Faramir asks.

Aragorn thinks for a moment, then the light bulb goes on.

"That, my friends, is the purpose of commercials."

* * *

A/N: Well, that's that. Poor Faramir, but he's back to normal now. Uh, yeah, in the next chapter the boys'll be making a commercial. And in about chapter 7 they'll actually start their job. As always, leave a review and see you at the next chapter! 


	7. The Really Lameo Commercial

A/N: And it's that part of the show…where I give you a lame-o excuse for NOT UPDATING in…forever and a few days. This is called I go on vacation and don't bother to tell you all. But I went to Origins Gaming Convention in Columbus…so if any of you were there…I was playing LotR TMG and Live Action Roleplay Chess. If you saw me…muahaha. Anyway, here is chapter 7 of Orc Busters! Hooray. (Go Anachronism! If any of you know the game I'm referring to…)

**_

* * *

_**

**_Chapter Seven: A Really Bad Commercial_**

"Aragorn, are you done setting up that cable?" Boromir asks.

"You try setting this up!"

"Did you read the directions, dear?" Arwen asks, sitting on a barstool and sipping a martini (dry).

"I don't need directions," Aragorn says, standing up and striking a heroic pose, "I'm the King of Gondor and a Superbly Manly-Man."

"Say what?" Faramir asks.

"Uh…forget I said that. Here, Faramir, you're a book-learned sort, take these instructions and read them." Aragorn says.

"Why am I always the one who has to read instructions? No fair!" Faramir pouts. He finishes in about 3 minutes and walks over to Aragorn. "All righty, what's the problem?"

"Well, this cord doesn't go into the outlet it's supposed to."

"So, Aragorn, the plug doesn't go into the outlet?"

"I don't think the audience needs any further explanation of the obscene-ness of that last little statement, Faramir." Boromir says.

"Get your mind OUT of the GUTTER!" Faramir says, hitting Boromir with the instruction manual.

"Ow…"

"All right. So…this is cord A, and it should go into outlet A. Now, Aragorn, can you show me where you've been trying to put it?" Faramir says.

"Oooh, something else SICK. Cord A could be cord ARAGORN and outlet A could be outlet ARWEN and that's just wrong!" Boromir says.

"BOROMIR!" Arwen screams, throwing some pots and pans at Boromir.

"Sorry." Boromir mutters from under a pile of pots and pans.

"Man, Faramir, you don't have to treat me like I'm 3. Here, I was trying to put it there."

"Now, Aragorn, that's outlet B."

"Damn."

"So let's match the letters…"

_A Few Minutes Later…_

"There. Done."

"Wow, Aragorn, it only took you…30 minutes!" Boromir says loudly.

"Shut up, Boromir, your sarcasm is sickening."

"Where's Legolas?" Faramir asks.

"Uh…changing and getting us all our costumes." Aragorn says.

Arwen laughs, as does Faramir.

"I feel a conspiracy coming on…"

_About 5 minutes later…_

"I'm back!" Legolas sings out, waltzing down the stairs in a ridiculous Safari Outfit (khaki EVERYTHING).

"Holy—!"

"What, Aragorn?"

"You—look—huh?"

"Oh, honestly. Now, you two fine strapping gents go put these on," Legolas says, handing the boxes labeled Costumes to Aragorn and Boromir.

"Fine, fine, fine," They mutter, walking up the stairs to the bathrooms.

_Later Still…_

"No! I am not coming out and you cannot make me!" Aragorn screams.

"Yes we can…Aragorn, if you don't come out, I am never doing anything with you again!" Arwen says.

"You mean no more—"

"Yep."

"And no more—"

"Uh huh."

"Fine, fine, fine!" Aragorn says. He walks out, also in a ridiculously weird Safari Outfit.

"Ahahahahah!" Faramir laughs. "Man, that's rich…"

"Shut it."

"Where's Boromir?" Legolas asks.

"Uh…"

Faramir, Aragorn, Legolas and Arwen run over to where Boromir is. He is dressed like a Goth (Or a poser…) in a black trench coat, a black shirt, and a few chokers. And he's in tight leather pants.

"Oh my GAWD! What are you?" Aragorn asks.

"Uh…that's actually a good question."

"Here. Look. More _directions_." Faramir says, picking up a little booklet. Arwen casually sips her martini.

"Now, Boromir, apparently, you're a dysfunctional angry youth, troubled by Orcs and in need of help."

"Is that a direction book or a play script?"

"Why, it's a play script!"

"Wow. Is that our commercial manuscript-y thing?"

"Sure is, Boromir!" Faramir beams.

"Don't we need a director?" Aragorn asks.

"Yeah, that would be why Eowyn should be coming down here at any moment to direct."

A collective groan is heard from the men.

"Eowyn? Why her?" Boromir asks.

"Um…no one else was crazy enough to want to direct this." Aragorn says.

"Dangnabbit," Legolas says, sitting down.

Everyone waits for Eowyn to come. She finally comes.

"Like, hi everyone! Now I have big ideas for you all so just SIT DOWN, SHUT UP and LISTEN!" Eowyn says. "Any questions?"

Boromir, Faramir, Aragorn, and Legolas look at her with looks of terror on their faces.

"Good. Now, let's start filming this thing." Eowyn smiles. "POSITIONS!"

Aragorn, Legolas, and Faramir walk to their positions. Boromir shuffles over and sits down on a bench, trying to look dysfunctional, angry, and in need of help.

"And…ACTION!"

"AHHH! Ahem. Hey, all you…people out there!" Legolas smiles.

"Um…do you have Orc Problems? Or any trouble regarding Orcs?" Aragorn asks.

"Well, here's an…angry young person…"

"Hey, I have Orc Problems…" Boromir says.

"We figure, Boromir, otherwise why are you on this commercial?" Faramir asks.

"Because I got dragged into it…anyway, these Orcs are, like…terrorizing my city…and killing people I know…" Boromir says monotonously.

"Man, sounds like the Siege of Minas Tirith," Faramir mutters.

"Shut it. Anyway, yeah…so can you…help me?" Boromir growls.

"Of course!" Legolas beams.

"Oh, thanks!"

"Sure."

Boromir walks off screen.

"We at Orc Busters know that it's your livelihood that matters. So, we've taken it upon ourselves—" Faramir begins, but is cut off by Boromir, running back on stage.

"TO KICK SERIOUS ORC ASS!"

"Um…yeah, what he said." Aragorn smiles.

"So give us a call today! Our number is 1-800-123-4567. Who picked this number?" Faramir asks.

"I did," Legolas says sheepishly.

"Figures," Boromir mutters.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Legolas asks menacingly.

"Um…nothing," Boromir recovers.

"Well, guys, that was really great! We got through in, like…1 take!" Eowyn says.

"Yeah…"

"Why was Arwen here?" Aragorn asks.

"Because she's the only one who can convince you to wear a Safari Outfit."

"Good point."

* * *

A/N: Man, that took FOREVER to write. I am very very sorry. The whole flow of the chapter was lost...ugh. Anyway, hoped you liked it, look for chapter 8 soon. 


	8. The First Phone Calls

A/N: NO WAY! I'm updating. Freak-ay! Whoa. Anyway, yeah. Before you all kill me for being one hell of a lazy person…I will not make excuses. Just beg your forgiveness.

_**

* * *

**__**Chapter Eight: We've Got Operators Just WAITING for the Phone to Ring…**_

The men (and Elf) have just finished filming their commercial. By now, they're just sitting around waiting for the phone hanging on Aragorn's wall to ring. And ring, and ring!

"Soooooo…what should we do while we wait?" Faramir asks.

"Lord of the Rings Monopoly, anyone?" Boromir asks.

"NOOOOOO!" Faramir, Aragorn, and Legolas groan.

"Ok, ok, fine."

_15 minutes later…_

"Got any 4s, Boromir?"

"Go fish."

"Damn."

_30 minutes later…_

"Got any Queens, Aragorn?"

"Damn."

"Hahaha! I WIN!" Legolas screams, dancing around the room.

_45 minutes later…_

"THAT NEVER HAPPENED IN THE BOOK!"

"What, Legolas?"

"Eeew! EW EW EW! He, like, HUGGED ME! Am I really that ugly?"

_An Hour later…_

"Who's up for movie 3?"

"Ugh. My ass is sore."

"Shut up, Boromir."

"Just because you died in movie one doesn't mean you have to ruin the experience for everyone else."

_75 minutes later…_

"Why the hell are people reading what happens to use every 15 freakin' minutes?"

"Good question, Boromir."

"Yeah…" Faramir shakes his fist at the ceiling.

"I believe it's called 'artistic license'."

"Yeah? Well I believe FUCK IT!"

"AHHHHHH!"

"WHAT?"

"THE PHONE RANG!"

The men (and elf) stare at the phone.

"Who wants to pick it up?"

**RING!**

"Not me! Boromir, you pick up!"

**RIING!**

"NO! You pick it up, Faramir!"

**RIIING!**

"No way! Get Legolas to pick up!"

**RIIIING!**

"Nu uh! Aragorn should pick up, it's his freakin' business!"

**RIIIIING!**

"NO WAY!"

**RIIIIIING!**

"What if we use speaker phone?"

**RIIIIIIING!**

"An excellent idea!"

**RIIIIIIIING!**

"HIT THE DAMN SPEAKER PHONE BUTTEN ALREADY!"

**RIIIIIIIIING!**

"FOR VALAR'S SAKE, ARAGORN!" Arwen yells down the stairs.

**RIIIIIIIIIING!**

"What?" Aragorn asks.

**RIIIIIIIIIIING!**

"PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE!" Everyone except Aragorn yells.

"FINE, FINE!"

Aragorn grabs the phone. "Hello?"

"Yeah, is this Orc Busters?"

"Yes, yes it is."

"Well, I got a question."

"Go 'head."

"Is your refrigerator running?"

"Umm…HEY, ARWEN, is the FRIDGE RUNNING?"

"Yeah." Arwen responds.

"Yes, yes it is."

"WELL YOU'D BETTER GO CATCH IT, LOSER!"

The other person hangs up.

"How rude! I'll have their head for that!"

"What, Aragorn?"

"Prank call."

"Ah haha…" Legolas chuckles, holding a cell phone in a pink case.

"Was that…_you_?"

"No, no, not at all!" Legolas says.

"Gimme the phone."

"NO!"

Aragorn and Legolas wind up fighting over the phone. It turns out that Legolas didn't call and now he has a lovely black eye. Aragorn has some nail marks in his skin.

"Damn, Legolas, cut those nails!"

"NO! I just got them French Manicured!"

Awkward silence.

"Umm."

"Yeah, Umm! Only girls get freakin' French Manicures!" Boromir points out.

"IRRELEVANT!"

Everyone stares at each other for a minute.

Then the phone rings again.

"Hello, this is Orc Busters, how can we help you?" Legolas asks.

"Umm, we got an orc problem." A female voice says.

"Oh, really?" Legolas's eyebrow shoots up.

"Yeah, really. We saw your commercial on TV."

"Oh, did you?"

"Yes. Can we get the dude in leather to come help out with the orc problem?"

Legolas's eyebrow is shooting off his head and bouncing around the room.

"Is Legolas's eyebrow…flying?" Aragorn mutters, ducking to dodge the flying eyebrow.

"Ok, we'll show up around 7:30, then, tomorrow morning to help out."

"7:30?" Faramir whines.

"See you tomorrow!" Legolas chirps, hanging up.

"7:30?" Faramir whines again.

"Yes."

"NOOO! I don't wanna go!"

* * *

A/N: I have no clue. Oh, well, leave that review! That magic review! Bye, now! 


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